More Sad News

I don't even know how it's possible to write this, bc I still don't know how it's possible to be going through this again, but...here we are.

Another pregnancy, another loss.

This time, it happened much farther along than the last time, making this one a lot worse.

I went for my 8-week appt last Wednesday, and was surprised w/an ultrasound- usually, they send you to another office for the ultrasound, so this was really exciting. Finally, we were going to be able to tell everyone!

I could tell that something was wrong by the doctor's silence. Her measurements just weren't adding up to how far along I was- for instance, I was at 8 weeks, but the baby only measured 6 weeks, 3 days. Not good. Then, the yolk sac was especially big, bigger than the baby, in fact. Not good. And, to make things worse, the baby's heartbeat was only 92 bpm- at that stage, it should be somewhere in the 150s. Not good. A quick Google-search will tell you that these are all signs of chromosomal abnormalities that are 9-times-out-of-10 fatal.

We were told to make another appt for 1-2 weeks, and just try to stay "cautiously optimistic." Yeah, right. TRY that. Impossible.

I spent the next 9 days praying, worrying, feeling sad,...but still, feeling pregnant. Nothing had changed, symptom-wise. I was incredibly hopeful this morning when we had our 2nd ultrasound.

But, things got even worse- the only change they saw was that the heart had stopped beating. The baby was gone.

Again.

Another one.

We have some small consolation this time, in that we at least have the first ultrasound picture- but that's hardly enough.

So, all that's left to do now is to wait. Wait for the symptoms to gradually decrease and disappear, and...to wait for the inevitable miscarriage. Really, though, there's nothing "inevitable" about it- it's hoped for, at this point. If it doesn't happen, then surgery happens, which is honestly the most horrific way to end this nightmare.

I don't know how we got here, but I know that it's all in God's timing. I know that. I trust that He'll get us through this, but...there's always a 'but.' But, why did I get pregnant again, only to lose it again? Why?

I'll probably never have an answer to that, and have to keep reminding myself how lucky and blessed we've been- we already have two amazing kids, the best little kids ever. I need to keep remembering that, and not dwell on this painful situation. But, right now, it seems impossible to think about anything else- I've been trying to stay busy all day, to not let myself think about what happened this morning, but...there's only so much you can do.